The Big Ride Cymbal Theory

Prophecy:

In the future, let’s say 2051, science will manage to undermine the legitimacy of the Monotheistic Triad—Islam, Christianity, and Judaism. God will die. Bad n’ surly Yahweh will be lynched. Allah will be placed in a cryogenic chamber. The zealous followers of Jesus will go underground. All of the sacrosanct religious symbols will be replaced by biodegradable flags with three embossed “P’s” on them—Pragmatic Positivistic Progress. The internet will be the president of the cybernetic world. Flesh will be, in part, silicon. Everyone will speak in the vernacular of Nano. Robotic pets will be sold to the masses.

In this scientific milieu, the “big bang theory” would be translated into some type of religious festival. The festive date will replace Christmas. There will be boisterous bells and yells in the streets. People will hang hydrogen and carbon molecules on their “big bang trees”. People will get drunk on rum and eggnog (some things won’t change).

Amidst all this big bang hoopla, a crazy, somewhat-reclusive man will vociferously reject the idea of the big bang’s pre-space/pre-time eruption from nothingness. He will offer the theory of the “big ride cymbal”. His words will be painted on the buildings by secret followers. Cabals will form and venerate his name. Bloggers will dedicate tons of time to dissecting and corroborating his theory. The man himself will tweet on twitter.

The basis of the theory will be this:

Before time and space and the animate and inanimate universe, there was a primordial stick-holder. This primordial stick-holder dropped a ride cymbal on abyssal pre-space and struck the cymbal once. This pre-cosmic striking engendered reverberations where there was once nothing. These reverberations eventually turned into nebulae, milky way, every way, and every day. When these reverberations cease, the universe shall cease to exist, and the primordial stick-holder may or may not strike the cymbal again.

Because the theory itself will reek of God, or at least the God-Idea behind the multiplicity of creation, the somewhat-reclusive man will be labeled as a heretic. The authorities of reason will track him down, poke and prod his followers, and disseminate disinformation that sullies his name. They will use anything against him. They will use everything to protect the sanctity of the big bang theory.

The man will eventually be captured on a summer day. He will be tied to a tree with ropes and wires. He will be expected to, by the authorities of reason, to repent for his sins against the dogma of science. But he will unrepentantly stare at them and say, “The imagination is free, and the creation of the universe has always been nothing but an imaginative theory. All theories are relative.” He will close his mouth forever. Robotic pets will bark and meow. The authorities will set his flesh on fire.